Parenting with Real Intention

                                               ( Learning to embrace the Grace even when it's Messy)

Some of the most reflective moments in my life after raising 5 kids, pouring blood , sweat and a lot of tears into them as they grow in to whom Gods has called them to be , is to watch them walk away from you as teens/adults. This as a personal experience has been heartbreaking for me as a mom.Back in the day, I thought that every battle had to be dealt with , with control and sometimes force, not realizing that not every battle had to be handled with Intimidation/force and control. Trying to figure out how to guide them without pushing them away is possible but not always easy.I have pushed 3 of the 5 away because of these Tactics.

I would say the hardest part was the transition from "young/teenager" to "ready for college/ trade/job" in the world of not needing us as much anymore. This is where we change hats from strict parenting  with a lot of control ,to trusting in our parenting and guiding them in a way that gives them their freedom to make mistakes and turn them into lesson. If our desire, is to help them do what is right  and the fear of them becoming the prodigal child, we as parents have a tendencies to over control our children when they become older.

Here are some examples of ways we do this:

• ·      We talk at them instead of talking with them.
• ·      We don’t give them freedom as they get older
• ·      We treat them like children verses as adults
• ·      We become more concerned about how we look as parents, then to give them the freedom to be honest and truly know who they are in that exact moment in their life.
• ·      We treat moments in their lives as minimal because we know that later in life they won’t matter (Like the most used example is, “Mom, Dad I love (him/her) my life is over because they don’t love me anymore!”(This may not be a forever feeling but in this moment its very real to them and can’t be dismissed), when in fact it matters most right now to them, 
• ·      Not allowing them to make their own choices, even if we don’t agree. We can tell kids that “the burner is hot” some will just listen and never touch it and some have to touch it to know it’s hot and then never touch it again.

I know as an adult, I would not appreciate  anyone to treat me this way, I would feel extremely insulted and I would likely build resentment towards those that did. So I suppose it shouldn’t surprise us when we find our adult children walking away from relationships with us if we find ourselves treating them this way, intentionally or not. 

If you find yourself stuck in control mode, and don’t change your ways it often leads to:

• ·       Children that have to be controlled( often by, jail, homelessness, drug addiction, Alcoholism or anything else that keeps them from a Promising future.)
• ·      They become resentful when their opinions and ideas are dismissed without any thought.
• ·      The most unbelievably painful loss is, the loss of  their HEART, and the opportunity to guide and influence them during the most important developmental times in their lives.

As Our children become young adults , we should slowly start coming alongside them, with affirmation/ encouragement and guide them rather than telling them what to do and not do.

Solomon set the example best for us," to win the hearts of our children". As we influence them with love and respect, rather than intimidation and control. With love we warn them of natural consequences of their wrong  choices ( Many examples in proverbs if you need them to reference)  It’s to be said that we you will always "catch more flies with Honey then vinegar" This is true in all aspects of our lives when dealing with relationships. 

Here are some approaches you may want to try

• ·      Always pray with your children; grown or not keep God in the center of the relationship.
• ·      Learn to be an ACTIVE listener. They need to have an outlet that allows them to hear their OWN  thoughts out loud , around positive influential people, who better than YOU.
• ·      Teach them how to make wise decision. (trust in your parenting. Your child’s choices in life are not a direct reflection of you, because FREEWILL sets in along with worldly temptations that call out to them 24 hours a day 7 days a week that you CAN'T control.)
• ·      Teach them how important it is to have a circle of influence( WISE COUNCIL) , that is not on a peer to peer level. I mean we should all be investing in relationships that are with people older , wiser and well established, RIGHT. I mean you’re not going to take advise about money from someone that has filed bankruptcy that would be absurd. so why would we want them taking advise from people their own age. We have to be the examples to why they should come to us, by RESPONDING to them and NOT REACTING to them.
•          Keep the relationship strong, so they are open to your thoughts and opinions, this way they are willing to keep talking to you, knowing you have their best interest at heart.
•      Most importantly LOVE and ENCOURAGE them EVEN when they mess up (Messy Grace is still Grace). I Know from personally experience that no one could be more disappointed in my mistakes and mess-ups then me, so adding the pressure of my parents feeling the same way, almost makes it harder to look them in the eye. I have tried a new approach with my youngest whom is still at home, Instead intimidating her, I  have postured myself to take her from ----This “I never want my kids to mess up and think “Mom is going to Kill me” , I want her first thought to be"I need to call my Mom”. I would much prefer to know the whole truth at the time ,then to live a lie to find out later the truth.

Ask God for words of wisdom, with ears to hear and hearts to receive. Parents sometimes we have to ask God  for well-developed shut up angels to be present when engaging with our children no matter their age, because not all things we think need to be said. I will be praying for our nation of parents to have such a movement that changes the way we see and hear our children.